Tuesday, October 13, 2009

managing the circus

Some of you may have wondered where i have been. I went to church this Sunday and was asked my name and harrison's name at his sunday school class. (that tells me we've been gone TOO much!)
It started in September. I flew to New York, drove to Massachusetts, then came home for 1 day, then to tyler, then home for 1 day, then to Roundtop to work for 10 days. During the 10 day work gig i left my boys with their Nina. they LOVED staying with her and let me say this: it was weird being single and childless for 10 days. When i worked in roundtop i stayed in a little rental house and worked 10-12 hour days.
I missed my boys and Tim alot but it was such a great time. I got to live with my sister during those days (like we did in college!) and it is a VERY good thing to miss your kids. I decided shortly before i left to work that i NEEDED to miss them. :)
I had a lot of time to reflect (there was no Internet or tv) and i did alot of thinking. Mainly i had the opportunity to think about life without kids. There was no drama, no freak-outs, no daily humiliation. yes, humiliation. everyday i wake up i fear what will happen today to horrifically embarrass me. like, leaving my child at walmart, or spilling paint everywhere, cuss words coming from my 4 year old., etc...... I started to wonder why I have to be daily embarrassed by my kids (though the joys are daily also... why cant it ALL be joy??!) I began to wonder what i needed to learn and why God feels i hadnt learned it yet. then, thank you Lord, the opportunity provided itself for me to see that i hadnt learned much of anything.
I was at a friends wedding and I was doing my best to control my WILD 1 year old. he wasnt being loud, he was just moving all over the place. he didnt want to be held so i walked to the back of the wedding and placed him on the ground and he began to play happily with rocks. he toddled here and there all far away from the wedding and i thought, not being an issue. WRONG! after a few moments a woman came over to me and asked me to "control my child". The tongue lashing that i wanted to give was of EPIC proportions. Instead of a gentle and calm answer i wanted to shout, "IF I KNEW HOW TO DO THAT LADY, I'D WRITE A BOOK AND BE A MILLIONAIRE!". instead, i picked Lockett up and went to the parking lot. yep, a sweet friends wedding spent in the parking lot. I began to secretly congratulate myself on what an amazing sacrificial christian i was. bull malarkey. It began to dawn on me that God cared about what my heart was feeling not just what i did or said. yes, it was a minor victory that i kept my mouth shut (some of you who know me would say miracle) but it has finally penetrated this thick skull that God doesnt just want a clamped shut mouth. he wants a kind, forgiving heart.
so, the work continues. :)

here's a photo of where i spent my 10 days working:
marburger

4 comments:

Tyne said...

Hey Tara, I can imagine that it was so crazy being without kids for 10 days... and then the story about the wedding- geesh! Thanks for sharing what the Lord taught you through it all.

What were you doing at Round Top? Did you eat at Royers?

joy said...

I love you and miss your boys. I'm so glad that you are responsive to the Holy Spirit.

Does Aaron want to die of the swine flu under the yellow umbrellas, on sand beach, at the pizza theater, the lobster pound, bee hive, jordan pond, rockland jetty, whale watching, hiking, jettys bar, youngs lobster pound or just hanging out in bar harbor?

kimberly said...

goodness. I miss you. Thank you for your continued honesty.

Melissa said...

I miss you too - why did I not get to see you this week? I should've made that happen...bummer...